wanna go halves on a baby?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
