**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
