About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
