whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
