I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
