New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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