Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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