So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
