Need sex. Gaining weight.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
