I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
