Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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