theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
