Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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