you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
