if only i could text you this smell
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
