I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
