I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
