OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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