just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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