They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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