3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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