new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
