Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
