What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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