I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
