Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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