I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
