Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize