What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
