i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
