so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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