I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Randomize
