Ambien. No doubt about it.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize