Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
