I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
