I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
