I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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