Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
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