yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
