I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
