guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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