I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
