So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
