i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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