Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
