I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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