i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
