Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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