remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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