please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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