i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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