My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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