i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
