Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
