If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
