you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
