Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
